My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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