My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
