Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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