dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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