I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
