after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
