Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
