Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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