Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
