If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
cat food counts as protein by the way
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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