I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
