woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
