Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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