there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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