so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
