I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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