I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
