He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
