Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
