worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
