I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
