He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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