Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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