i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
