Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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