just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
