i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
