Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
