My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
