maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
