Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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