i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
