Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
