I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
