i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
