I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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