why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
