that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
