I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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