i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
