I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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