I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
