even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
