my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
