two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
