I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
