I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
