I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
