In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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