You're so nebulous sometimes
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
