Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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